“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
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imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one