“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
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Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
This can never not be funny 😭😭
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.