Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
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date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
bro what is going on at twitter
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
They must have gotten it to go.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.