Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
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I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩