son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
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On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
A drum solo but on your face.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Does beer think about me too?
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.