Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
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me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Peace was never an option
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence