Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
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Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.