Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
You Might Also Like
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Duolingo getting serious.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.