SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
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Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
then why did i get this email
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.