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@StevieKnip: Son: I'm gay, dad.
Dad: no I'm gay dad
Dad #2: no I'm gay dad
@OuterJohn: When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
@kathradical: I got my first period during Shrek 2 live in theaters which means I entered Shrek 2 a child & left a woman
@erica_rosie: Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
@offbeatoliv: I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent...well played...
@MelvinofYork: Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.