Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
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What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.