son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
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You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.