[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
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Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Canada has crack?
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.