“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
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At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
water it, i dare you
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
checking out some reviews of my local library
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.