When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
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Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours