@briangaar: Son, let me tell you the story of the Three Bears. A girl broke into their house and they ate her. Stay out of my stuff, goodnight
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@Ray_stephan: Finding out your ex has a bad life is like finding 100 $ in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
@EndhooS: [Meeting friends baby] Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he's a big boy isn't he Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds Me: wow that's cheap
@KattsDogma: [Spelling Bee] Judge: Your word is 'babe' Bee: B-A-E J: Sorry. There's another 'B' Bee: WHAT! WHERE? *goes crazy* *stings Judge* *dies*
@wendchymes: Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there's no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!