Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
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Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
#merica
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
This is my bus stop.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.