Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
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I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well