SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
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My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
what
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Sunday
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’