The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
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Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire