*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
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being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
2022 will be better than 2021
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not