SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
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2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
*orders delivery*
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.