Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
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Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?