Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
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Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.