*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
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Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
So creative 😂
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Me :
All Day At Night
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
My love language is deader than Latin
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.