Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
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[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed