SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
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What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
My kitchen overserved me.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]