son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
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Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
My birth announcement for our third baby
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.