son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
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Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.