The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
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My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.