@SCbchbum: “Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
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@RidiculousSheri: "You look really pretty today," I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, "And you...um, you have a GREAT personality."
@alli_win: I'm convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
@noduffers: I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you're looking for metaphors, I'm probably the grapefruit.