“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
You Might Also Like
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
why no one uses midhusbands
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid