“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
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Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
My Sentiments Exactly
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.