“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
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The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”