Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
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DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.