I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
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It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.