If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
You Might Also Like
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science