Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
You Might Also Like
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?