Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
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Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Herpes is trending, good job people
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely