son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
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Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
is this how new cars are made??
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
This rocks
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said