Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
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“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente