Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
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[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time