Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
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my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO