[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
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My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”