“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
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I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?