Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
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Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.