It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
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me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Thursday Thought.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.