“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
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Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?