“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
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Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
🤣could you imagine
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead