@Ristolable: Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that's why I haven't been at work in six years.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@hipstermermaid: Donald Trump is like the "Scream" movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
@ShootyDoody: Friend: What are you doing this weekend? Me: Amusement Pork. Friend: You mean Amusement Park? Me: No, I don't.
@amishschool: Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.