@Ristolable: Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that's why I haven't been at work in six years.
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@cheeky__gal: The spider I just killed with a napkin isn't in the napkin, and now I'm in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
@Rollinintheseat: I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, "I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, "I have a lot of friends who walk.”
@the_hottest_jew: “How bad are you at relationships?” I get broken up with by people I don’t even know
@Darlainky: Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, "That completes my order" before they ask.