@Ristolable: Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that's why I haven't been at work in six years.
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@TheMongoose69: Had to get sticky tape and gift tags surgically removed from my body at the hospital... Proving once again that white guys can't wrap.
@beefman138: *Brings pen to sword fight* Guy with sword : What's that? Me : Tis mightier! *Gets beheaded*
@Tups13: "Of course you can trust me. Look, I'll prove it. Close your eyes and fall backwards. I'll catch you." *Bing! Twitter notification!* Thud.
@Robinbuble: I'm just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.