I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
You Might Also Like
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on