Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
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If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.