Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
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[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost